To me feelings were always a waste of time and a characteristic of an irrational man. The funny thing is that I could be considered, when I was younger, as being a kid who feels like dead ends, but, I don’t know why or how, this trait is for a long time dead and gone in me; sometime in my life my imagination developed itself until an apathetic form, making me being capable of imagining everything. I don’t know when this happened or why, my closest thought, about it, is related to dark nights, nights so dark that could be able to put in despair any man; nights where I felt most scared than never, knowing that all my problems and pain are nothing compared to these dark and hopeless moments. Since I was a kid I had to face these desperate scenarios by my own, with no one by my side, with no one to help me, to transform die Nacht in Licht, Niemand zu helft mir besser denken oder mit mir sprachen. In diese Nachten was schwer zu leben. Ich gefühlt das Ich gebraucht einen liebe haben. Dealing with these things onlly by myself, I started to become more independent, to don’t need to accept disgusting behavior or labels of other people, nor even having the necessity to have them always by my side, making the night, the dark thoughts, go away with their presence, with their distraction, at a higher cost. Maybe a huge conscience was always a trait of myself, that only needed a little push to achieve proportions that many people are not even able to think about.
Dies zurück, Ich gebraucht nicht Leute mit mir haben, oder Freund, oder Freundin, oder Liebe, oder Illusionen, Ich gekommt stark und kalt. I became capable of facing anything, of seeing anything. But I cannot say that the road to this way of being was easy or totally without despair and pain. To say the truth, it was horrible, a living hell, an endless hell, where many times I felt that I was not able to get through. In these days I was fascinated with the dark coners of our lives, and I did not ignore any aspect of it. Viele zeit Ich das mache, Ich das will, nur zu das sehen, nur zu das gefühlt, nur zu das Kontrol. I remember that I manipulated situations to become even worse, more painful, more heartbreaking. Face the night, like nobody that I’ve never met, made me able to control my thoughts, feelings and the way that I interretate many situations.
Even being sucessful in this exercise that I proposed to myself, I can still remember, since i was really young, the hardest momements of it — that became even more worse in my mind, being developed constantly, away from the trully accurence and consequences — when I lost my illusions and had to face exaggerated thoughts and impressions without having a safe place, a safe memory, to help me to stay cool and calm. When I think about these moments, I can feel me returning to some of these old and distant scary and specific scenarios. We construct our reality and our surroundings with our minds, previous experiences and interpretations; in this case, a single thought is able to transport us to a completely new place, I am sure about it, I can feel it. These scary or great scenarios can guide a man’s life forever, but to me is different; my imagination destroyed even these deep and important structures, making me apathetic in front of memories that someday in the past represented everything that was secred or horrible to me.
Yo no sé muy bien cómo hablar acerca de esto, lo más exacto es dicer que yo no más creo en nada, no más siento nada. This characteristic can make me become apathetic or irresponsible about any kind of possible goal or achievment; I run away from it creating goals and working hard to achieve them, even if them don’t mean nothing to me. I think this aspect makes me stronger thatn any other person who posses an irrational and stupid believe.
It is hard to believe that lonely nights, when I faced the darkest times of my life, were able to allow me to develop my conscience in such levels. It is hard to believe that my parents’ refusal of helpingme to eliminate the dark thoughts was able to make me become a person who doesn’t need nobody else. It is hard to imagine that these things were able to allow me posses a whole new way of seeing and feeling, of being. Sometimes I think this resolution is only the beginning of a deeper and more precise explanation, but this is only a superficial and unexplored thought of mine, because I cannot fully analyze this proposition that I created… It still remains certain, logical and irrefutable to me.
Despite the lack of feelings, despite the indifference and the apathetic and careless aspect of people with a huge conscience, sometimes I feel amazed again, as when i was a young child, sometimes I find people or situations that are so unique, unusual, rare and complex, that stay miles away from my capacity of imagining and control. In this cases, I can say that I am able to feel again, I am able to identify my irrational thoughts running wild and intensively, creating huge, amazing and unreal scenarios and situations. This cases are so rare that I already feel accustomed to find these things only in my deepest thoughts, in my dreams or daydreams, when I don’t try to deconstruct and allow something unexplored and intense to live inside of me. But sometimes a rare and unique person can make us feel it for real. Estas cosas son muy muy especiales y deben ser vividas, exploradas con toda nuestras fuerzas, pues son cosas que exponen lo que somos y qué queremos, pero no son expuestas porque anteriormente aún no tenemos nada que hace estos pensamientos, que están en nuestras profundizas, venir para nuestra imaginación.
Viele Momente in unsere Leben farblos sein, viele Dinge immer gleiche sein, und diese gemeinsame Aspekte aus unserer Lebe macht es schlecht und traurig. Wir aufwachen und fühl gelangweilt, fühl das wir nichts sehen haben. Wie die Tage vergehen, in diese Lebe, Wir begonnen sehen weniger jedes tag, und dies ist für uns egal, weil jeder Dinge oder Momente, jeder Leute, für uns langweilig und gleiche sind. Aber einige seltene Menschen Magik haben, stark sind, spannend sind, und können unsere Leben spannend und neue machen. Diese seltene Menschen Gold sind, Sie haben nicht eine geformte Form, Sie sind tief und machen jeder Momente magik und intensiv. Sie sind wie einen stark Feur das kannt überall gehen bereit. Diese Menschen Gold sind und einige, Sie uns ein erstaunliche Aspekte von unsere Leben zeigen, Sie spektakulär und original sind. Du bist eine Mensch so wie das, Vogel. Ich mag Dich viel, Ich mag die Lebe mit dir sehen. Danke für machst mir aufs neue Staunen sehen. Gold bleiben, Vogel.